The Stages of Sleep Deprivation

Lately the natives have reached into their bag of tricks to pull out one of their original forms of attack, sleep deprivation. It’s a very clever and dangerous move that if drawn out over long periods of time can bring even the strongest of caregivers to the brink of defeat. For those struggling to recognize the signs, I have found in my own personal observations, sleep deprivation comes on in stages similar to those of grief:

Stage 1: Denial

In this stage caregivers put on a facade to themselves and those around them that they can function as they had before despite the fact that their decreased cognitive function causes them to do things such as venture to the local apothecary wearing the lower half of their garments inside out while wondering through the whole appointment why said apothecary was looking at them so strangely.

Stage 2: Anger

In this stage, caregivers find themselves infuriated with the effects of the deprivation such as opening up a native supply bag to find that they packed three pairs of pants but no diapers.

Stage 3: Bargaining

In stage 3 the caregiver finds herself praying to whatever deity she chooses that she would do just about anything to take back not only walking around half the day with a pair of pink panties stuck to her jeans from static cling and not noticing it, but also telling the whole story to the teenage male cashier at Starbucks who clearly did not care that it happened to her, nor does he understand why it makes her cry to retell the tale. On the bright side he throws in a free scone which one can assume is to bait her to move on to tell the tragic tale of her other wardrobe malfunction to the barista.

Stage 4: Depression

In stage 4, similar to stage 3, we find the caregiver has begun to realize a new low has been hit, especially when she finds herself in the frozen food section of the local market to gather supplies singing the tune from Sesame Street aloud while rocking back and forth for all to see. She is especially saddened that it took three versus of “Sunny Day, Sweepin’ the Clouds Away” and many odd stares before she realized that she was in fact shopping alone since the natives were in the care of an assistant caregiver at that particular moment.

Stage 5: Acceptance

In stage 5, the caregiver finds herself in a place where she has realized that there is little to no hope left for her cognitive function until such time as she is allowed to return to normal sleeping patterns as the natives will allow. This is the stage where we tend to find caregivers zipping around the market singing the Batman theme song as her natives fight crime from the shopping cart.

So whether you’ve just begun to pour orange juice on your cereal in the morning or if you are going to the local markets with Mickey Mouse Stickers on your forehead, you are not alone. Just give the natives what they want, back away slowly and get some rest.