Rules to Surviving the Jungle

As any fellow explorer knows: the jungle can be a dangerous place. The native inhabitants are very puzzling and perilous little creatures. In one moment they are calm and sweet. The sounds of their laughter ring through the jungle canopy and, for but a moment, all is right with the world. However; this can turn on a dime as they change into snarling, stomping lethal creatures.

Take caution and study these rules if you want hope of surviving the jungle.

Rule Number One: Beware the Native’s Triggers

I’ve come to learn that the natives all have some similar triggers that can change their behavior from peaceful and serene to a snarling, attention demanding attack-animal in the next. These activities include: sitting down on the couch (even if they are in a different area of the jungle entirely; natives have a keen sense of hearing similar to that of dogs. They hear the barely audible couch cushion shift, sighs of relief, and most importantly, to the closing of the bathroom door even though you turn the handle to avoid the clicking noise as the door fastens..).  They even sense when you are about to be productive, in any form an immediate sensor sends them into what I refer to as “seek and destroy mode.”  In this mode they search for any area of the jungle that is clean and orderly and dismantle the surrounding area with as much speed and destruction as possible.

Rule Number Two: Change is BAD

Forget what you have been told all your life. The rules of warfare are something quite different indeed. A native likes a consistent routine; if you dare put feeding time before bath-time or heaven forbid give the eldest a blue cup because the red cup is in the dishwasher and water is water…. You’ll quickly learn this to be untrue! Water is only water if it’s in the red cup with one ice cube, not two ice cubs, one ice cube… Where was I..? Oh right, don’t change things up unless you want to trigger an attack.

Rule Number Three: Bribes are your friend

Most books will prescribe that bribery is a lackadaisical way out of a hairy situation. They suggest that with the right amount of patience and consistent disciplinary procedures positive reinforcement your natives will magically conform to desirable behavior. My theory that these are people who have not only never been a primary caregiver of natives, they have never actually met a native (at least not the highly evolved modern species). Allow me to express this again that bribes are your friends. Yes, of course: structure, discipline, and consistency have to be in place but don’t under estimate how quickly  and quietly the promise of a fruit leather or a showing of Mickey Mouse Club House upon returning home will get you in and out of a grocery store without pain.  Think of it not as bribing, but as teaching them valuable negotiating skills that will assist them later in life.

Natives are crafty little creatures. If you are currently immersed in the jungle or you are thinking about it, take heed of these rules. There are more but I dread I hear my own natives stirring. I fear the eldest has been plotting a coup for quite some time and it may be going into effect soon.

Stay safe friends.