The Freaks Come Out at Night

We are taught from a young age that scary things happen at night. From parental warnings to horror movies; the message is clear: when it’s dark outside, get in your home and lock the doors. What was left off of that warning was that once nightfall hits, you should not only lock yourself inside but also make sure your young natives are slumbering in their caves.

Much like the gremlins, these cute and cuddly small creatures seem to flip a switch when the sun goes down - turning them into monstrous and frightening creatures. It is only to be expected, the foreshadowing was written long before the natives even came into existence. Lunatic is a word coming from the Latin, “Luna” meaning moon. Thereby the moon comes up and it draws out the lunatics.

It has been apparent from day one that the lunar cycle greatly affects natives. From the time they enter the jungle as infants nighttime becomes a dreaded part of the caretaker’s position, depriving the caretaker of sleep  as if there is an ear piercing miniature alarm that wakes you every several hours. Even as they advance in age the natives have an uncanny sense as to when their caretaker is just on the edge of dropping off into slumber; they chose this time to awaken. As the natives grow, this lessens, however a new and even more daunting behavior creeps in. It is more commonly known as the bedtime battle.

For a caretaker, nothing spells sweet relief quite like climbing into a warm sleeping-chamber at the end of a long day. For a native, the mere mention of pajamas in preparation for slumber creates a reaction comparative to an enraged gorilla. In order to avoid slumber the natives will work together to barricade themselves wherever possible; under beds, behind furniture, in closets - wherever possibly to elude their caretaker as she attempts to prepare them for their blessed 10-12 hours of slumber in their caves. If the caretaker attempts to remove them from their bunkers various objects will be launched at her and toddler-style obscenities will be shouted at her such as telling her she is a giant “poopy head” and they do not like her.

If she is successful in retrieving them from their bunkers then it takes a miracle to get them into pajamas with teeth properly brushed. No matter if she tries to pretend that the characters on their whimsical pajamas will give them super powers or if she creates a race between the siblings of how fast they can complete their routines, it is pointless.

Should the stars align and routines are completed along with stories, songs and cuddles only a fool would think the battle over. Then the train of excuses parades through. Requests for water, stuffed animals, additional stories, songs, cuddles are many; then comes the tugs at the heart strings in the form of the natives claiming to have seen shadows, heard noises, or perhaps they just want to snuggle on the caretakers lap as she attempts to have but 1 hour to herself before retreating to her sleeping chamber only to wake and do it all over again the next day.

Finally, after all is seemingly done and the jungle is quiet, sometime around 3 o’clock in the morning, a small native will creep silently into the vacant spot next to the caretaker. At that point there is nothing to do but surrender to the natives and pray for daylight.

Ideas for Restless Natives

 

Need some simple ideas for restless natives this winter?

Try this:

Put 2-3 colors of paint into a Ziplock bag. Seal it tight and tape it securely to the table.

No mess and very entertaining.

(Idea/Photo Credit: "Hippie Housewife")

If they are needing more activity...

Try this:

"Spy Training"

 

Tape colored string in diagonal patterns up and down your hallway and have them go through it without touching any strings. If they touch one they have to go back to the begining and try again.

 

(Idea/Photo Credit: "wihousewifeconfessions")

 

Mealtime Mockery

As the elder native settles into his 4th year of life, I am observing a new attitude developing. It is one of much sarcasm and disdain aimed at his caretaker. I had expected this phase of mockery to hit as the native moved into his teenage years but I fear I was not prepared for it at the ripe age of 4. Even more fascinating is that the younger native, though only 2 years old is also picking up this lovely new brashness.

For instance; there is a daily battle that now takes place over mealtime. I spend a good deal of my late afternoon preparing well gathered supplies and assembling them to make nutritious and filling meals, however the minute it is plated the elder native will glare at me with disgust and inform me that he has no intention of trying such "dribble." The younger native will inevitably chime in to agree with his sibling. They continue to amuse themselves by using their newly found sarcasm to defeat me. I learned quickly not to tell them that they were not to get up until they cleaned their plates as their response to that was to dump their plates, (food and all) in the basin and proudly, yet snidely declare, “it’s clean!”

Then, (perhaps more fascinating and disturbing), when in these battles, suddenly and without intention, the voice of my former caretaker mysteriously escapes my lips with sentences like: “you can’t say you don’t like it if you haven’t even tried it,” “you can’t judge a book by its cover,” or “do you know how lucky you are to have someone preparing you nutritious hot meals every night…”(oh yep, there it is, hello mom, when did you get here?). Not that it does any good, because the natives have both a stronger will than I; and I fear...more intelligence.

Last night amidst the mealtime battle I took a stand and let the natives know that they had to try one morsel of the meal if they were to receive anything else. After many times of back and forth on the matter the elder native surprisingly conceded, (insert look of contempt here) and tried the meal; only to be exceedingly surprised with himself as he was quite pleased with it. He requested a beverage to accompany his meal. I informed him that he would get what he wanted by using the “magic word.” He replied with, “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.” Apparently that was the magic word because after I finished laughing, I got him his drink.

Recipes for Restless Natives

Need some snacks for restless natives?

Here are some treats good for home or on-the-good that are native and caretaker approved:


Banana Chips

1) Start with two large bananas
2) Slice bananas to desired width (not too thin)
3) Brush with lemon juice to keep from browning (optional)
4) Bake in a preheated over at 200 degrees F for 2-3 hours
5) Remove from oven and let sit
    (The chips will be a little soft still but they will harden within a few hours)









Apple Chips

1) Start with two large apples (any variety)
2) Slice thinly and remove core
3) Sprinkle with cinnamon
4) Sprinkle with nutmeg, ginger and allspice for an added fall treat (optional)
5) Bake in preheated oven at 200 degrees F for 1 1/2 hours
6) Turn chips over and bake for an additional 1 1/2 hours
7) Remove from oven and let the chips cool; then enjoy!

Drawn to Mischief

Society is inspired and influenced by many different sources. For a native, the scope of inspiration is much smaller. A native appears to be influenced by the caretaker, mimicking their movements and words. They are influenced by natives from other tribes that they come across in their quest for knowledge. Perhaps most of all, a young native is influenced by their sibling, (most especially their older sibling).

Perhaps it comes from a need to be accepted by the older sibling; perhaps it is merely that they are in awe of this pint sized person of whose shadow they live in. Whatever the case, I have observed this time and time again in the natives and it made me reminiscent of my younger days.

You see, as I made my own journey through adolescence, I did not have a sibling to go through the expedition with. I did however have cousins from a neighboring tribe with whom I went through many of my adventures. One of which I was reminded of this week as I watched the younger native striving to impress his older sibling.

It took me back to a jungle some 20 years ago. As I happily played with my companion we kept getting interrupted by his younger sibling who was distraught about a rainbow of all things. Their jungle had recently gotten new flooring, a beautiful, plush white carpet. In doing so the youngster had noticed that a rainbow had made its way through the glass window and onto the new carpeting. Her caretaker had apparently informed her that the rainbow would in fact disappear as night fell.

After much pestering by the younger native my companion and I decided if we couldn't have fun without her then we may as well have some fun with her as only impish siblings and cousins are capable of. We colluded to get her into trouble for the sake of our own amusement and have her place some parchment directly on the new carpet to make an imitation of the rainbow. By doing so we were sure she would be caught and imprisoned in her cave for not using parchment on the proper surface.

As it turns out per our suggestion the young native decided that perhaps an even better solution would be to make sure the rainbow stayed as it was eternally. We watched with a mix of horror and delight as the young one slowly and carefully used permanent markers to color in the rainbow.

When she finished their caretaker arrived on cue to find two faces of guilt ridden pleasure and one of innocent delight. She shrieked for the siblings to retreat to their caves indefinitely leaving me to sit next to her as the smoke began to billow out of her ears. Seemingly lost for words or context she repeated over and over, “I can’t believe they did that, I can’t believe they did that!” To this day I assert that I had the more severe sentence over my cohorts who got to rest safely in their caves to wait out the storm. Alas, that is the influence of a sibling.

 

The Rush of the Flush

Potty training the younger native has been nothing short of a challenge. I must admit that we are making great strides of improvement. I have to wonder if other caretakers have similar experiences when training their native. I am sure it’s quite common to encounter accidents and resistance; but the young native in my jungle is just a little more unique in the challenges he puts forth.

Part of the process of learning to use the potty is the ever exciting aspect for natives of being able to “flush” the toilet themselves and watch their work disappear beneath the jungle floor. It is a mysterious and exhilarating enticement for them… (usually). Perhaps a little too exhilarating in our jungle; the young native is too enamored with flushing the toilet. In early days of his training he would use this as a weapon against his older sibling and myself. He will grab anything from the older native’s toys, to his shoes, my hairbrush, anything he could get his hands on, and attempt to flush them down the toilet. After many time-outs and many explanations of what can and cannot be flushed down a toilet, (one of many conversations I never imagined having before becoming a native caretaker...) the young native began to get a grasp of the function and settle down a bit.

After more training he was very insistent on preforming this part by himself and after watching him successfully complete this several times I was confident in his ability. Armed with confidence for the youngster, I decided it was time for him to do his business from start to finish without my involvement. It so happened at the time the elder native needed my attention and I proudly waited as the young native took care of business. However my pride turned quickly to concern as I realized I was hearing more water then I probably should. I entered the bathroom to find a giddy native repeatedly flushing the toilet causing water to spew from the closed lid and create a shallow pool of sorts all over the jungle floor.

The native stomped and splashed happily while continuing to pull the lever and let the water emerge from the basin. I could see we had a ways to go still in this process as I pulled a now very wet and agitated native away from the bathroom and rummaged through the closet to find enough towels to soak up the lake that had formed on the jungle basin. He was still quite proud of himself and certain that this was a fun adventure which he will look back on fondly in years to come. Myself, I am  longing for the future, when such things as creating toilet fountains and flushing his sibling's spectacles down the toilet will no longer be the highlight of his day.

Native By Design

Every new year most of us will try to improve upon our lives. Whether it is striving to eat better, get in shape, stay in shape, or purge our clutter; we all tend to make changes in hopes of a new and better year ahead.

The jungle is no exception to this. As we have discussed earlier this month, the natives are doing their part to ensure that I stay on my diet by depriving me of any and all food. Additionally they have taken it upon themselves to assist my effort to re-organize our dwelling. I have observed that much like primates, natives are a species that will mimic their caretakers. With a new year upon us I have been rearranging furniture, purging unused items and doing some light repairs. The natives have taken this cue to do some design work of their own.

Ever the helpful species, they determined that most certainly whatever I could do, they could do better. They started with redecorating all the doorways in the jungle. You see whoever resided here before the three of us had painted the doorways with a glossy finish that comes off easily. The natives had ascertained that if you pick at the bottom corner of the door you could get a nice long strip of paint to come off in seconds. And that strip will lead to another, and another resembling the dismantling of string cheese.

Additionally the elder native determined that the plastic replica power tools he received for his birthday could be put to better use by assisting with some “home improvement”. I could hear him happily pretending to use his toy drill as I prepared the evening’s libations. He would happily declare, “There, that part’s done!” “Yep, that parts done." How lovely to hear the native putting his creative imagination to work, and yet what a peculiar sound that followed; a loud thud followed by, “There, that’s better."

I rounded to corner to find the entire baseboard that had once decorated the end of the jungle walls lying on the floor, nails sticking in the air with a barren ring around the room. Aside the baseboard sat a native who looked as pleased as could be with his pint-sized goggles sitting atop his head and his Handy Manny drill resting in the belt loop of his jeans.

The youngest came in and was quick to congratulate his sibling on the impressive work done. I too had to admit I was fascinated by the speed and degree to which such redecoration could be accomplished given the time and tools available. Never let it be said that natives are not resourceful. Perhaps a career as a contractor does not lie in either of their futures; but then again, what do I know?

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Safety First

The two natives in my care are naturally captivated by superheroes both real and imagined, (not just spider-man but also policemen and firemen).  Being that I am the sole caretaker for these natives I decided the youngsters should learn more about these real-life heroes in the event that they should ever need to call upon their assistance. I explained the purpose of each occupation and how in the event of an emergency by dialing 911 they could summon these professionals to their door to help in whatever way was needed. I also explained what constituted an emergency, (within reason for a young native mind to interpret.)

The natives seemed to take the talk well and spent the remainder of the afternoon role playing the heroic individuals whose job is to help those in times of emergency. Come dinner time that evening, the eldest was in quite a mood. Normally behavior like this is one to fear and is a signal to retreat, however I have learned adequate nutrition in the native is imperative for a smooth evening in the jungle. The elder native did not find amusement in my comparison of broccoli to trees, nor my swamp made from tomato soup. When a battle engaged after he was told there would be no confections until his vegetables were eaten he stormed off to his cave for some reflection. The youngest native was feeling cooperative and found amusement in the whimsical presentation of his food. He ate happily as the eldest bellowed at me from his cave about what an improper caretaker I was.

As I began to clean up from supper and prepare the youngest for his bath, my attention was pulled toward a commotion outside. I gazed out the window to find two uniformed officers storming up the path to the jungle. I opened the door and was informed that the police had been called approximately 30 minutes prior to their arrival. Apparently they had been told that the caregiver had been cruel to the native residing there and had gone so far as to deprive him of food. They asked to come in to see the “horrid” conditions in which the native must be living in based on his testimony.

My face must have matched the crimson soup the native had tossed across the table in disgust earlier as I led the officers into the house and called for the elder native. By this time of course he had forgotten the incident entirely and had been happily playing in his cave. Upon a quick look around the officers decided that perhaps this was less a case of neglect and more a case of a caregiver who had left a phone lying where a sworn enemy of broccoli could reach it.

We bid the officers adieu after a long talk with the native about the importance of calling 911 only in true cases of emergency. Despite his strong opinion, being told "no dessert before vegetables" was not a matter constituting the jailing of his caregiver; whether he approved or not. I would like to say the elder native has learned from this and will give up the fight against me; however I fear that this has only fueled him to come up with more creative ways in which to get rid of me. I shall sleep with one eye open tonight.


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Native Education

Any caregivers who have been through the process are all too aware, a native's acceptance into a good preschool can be a challenging task. After all, their acceptance is conditional. The grand finale of these obstacles is the preschool interview.
 

On the day of the young native's interview all seemed to be going very well. We arrived promptly, garments pressed and smiles on. I had alerted the natives prior to our arrival that in exchange for good behavior in front of the elders they would receive an enticing treat on the journey back to the jungle. Like I have said in the past, bribes are your friend.

After talking with me for a while to learn about our tribe and especially our young native, it came time for him to speak. The elders tried to call the young native to the table in order to hear from him about his perspective on this process. Apparently the young creature did not care to be spoken to at that time, nor did he care to speak. He displayed his displeasure with this by sitting upside down in his chair so that his feet pointed at the ceiling and his head rested comfortably on the floor. When the panel attempted to engage him he would respond by pressing his lips together and producing a sound that can only be compared to that of a bodily function that I’m sure if he could have mustered at that particular moment he would have also emitted. He then let his fingers touch the floor to brace him as he slid down the chair and gently tucked and rolled onto the carpet below. After he dismissed himself, he returned to playing with his sibling as well as the other children in the play area.

In hopes of salvaging the interview I decided it was time to pull out some of anecdotes about the young imaginative native that were sure to impress the board. As I began to talk I realized that the panel’s eyes seemed to have shifted off of me and onto the corner of the room. As their gazes turned from puzzlement to horror I could only imagine what sight had met their eyes. As I finally allowed myself to look to the corner I saw the young native relieving himself on the silk plant that sat decorating the lovely hallway. I nervously laughed and pointed out that the rule-book only specified that natives not utilize diapers during their time at preschool; and in fact it said nothing about where they are required to relieve themselves. The panel was less than thrilled.

Upon returning home I had to admit to myself that the young native may not be ready to join the tribe of elders in assimilation training for the "real jungle" On the plus side, his aim is impeccable.

Potty Training... January

As with all rites of passage, potty training is one based in many hours of hard work, perseverance, patience, tears, and ultimately triumphs. The natives even put in some work, too. 

It is that time again in the jungle for a native to learn to shed his diaper and take to the throne of champions. Early days of introduction to potty training were met with much resistance. The younger native saw no good reason as to why he should make such a fuss and effort when he had a perfectly good system in place already. He could eat and drink whenever he pleased, he could watch a show, read a story, even hold a conversation all the whilst “taking care of business” and best of all there was a caretaker ready and seemingly willing to clean it up. Why mess with such an efficient system?

With the promise of a potty of his very own featuring the man, the legend, Elmo, coupled with the incentive of superhero underpants, the younger native was on board with the idea. 

The challenges faced with the infantile native are unlike anything I experienced with the elder native. For instance, the elder native never found such pleasure in urinating on anything and everything, except the actual potty. Sure, the elder native enjoyed “watering bushes in the backyard”; however he never found amusement in peeing on freshly laundered linens. The younger native however found this increasingly entertaining and it became a challenge to him to see how far he could push the line. I have consequently discovered that the line most undoubtedly lies with urinating on your caregiver and/or sibling, or of course the jungle cat.

After a few weeks the novelty of soaking siblings and laundry seemed to subside. The young native seems to be getting the hang of things. Sure, he has some “teaching moments” here and there, and sure, we may not be allowed back into a certain place of business after the young native used the fountain in the lobby for something other than making a wish, but all in all, I’d say it’s just another day in the jungle.

Silence is Far From Golden

We recently talked about some of the unwritten “rules” of surviving the jungle. One rule that is particularly important was not discussed in that list; and that is, “Silence is not golden!” As with any rule, there are exceptions, for instance, when natives are slumbering in their caves silence is in fact superb. However, when natives are up and about silence indicates that a plot is underfoot and caretakers must take great caution to swiftly detect and deter whatever is taking place.

In my time observing the natives I have encountered many instances that have led me to the discovery of this rule. Most recently was after a trip to the market. As I was unloading the supplies we had gathered the natives appeared to be in particularly pleasant moods. They seemed to have a desire to be helpful and were by all accounts very compliant and sweet.

The elder native chattered away about the trip to the market and even offered to assist in my task. What I did not notice was that the younger native had wandered off to other parts of the jungle and was silently putting his plan into place. With his sibling to distract me he worked swiftly and silently. When he was done he sought me out and proudly displayed his bright red hands, face and shirt. Apparently he had taken it upon himself to repaint his cave a crimson red.

Thankfully for me, (and our linens,) the good people at Crayola had chosen to make their products washable, allowing this to be an amusing, albeit frustrating, part of my day versus an utter disaster.

To top things off, as they usually do, the natives had been working in shifts that day. As I was cleaning up the cave paintings from the younger native, the elder native took the opportunity to further assist me by feeding the jungle cat. Apparently he felt that the jungle cat was severely underfed, to remedy this he left a sizable pile (approximately half of a sack) for the feline to consume. Further, always the considerate one, he had refilled the watering dish for the mouser and in the process had created a stew of sorts out of the heaped food.

While grateful for the native’s initiative to help with the chores around the jungle, it aided me in learning one of the most important lessons of jungle survival…silence is not golden; it’s simply the eye of the hurricane.

The Stages of Sleep Deprivation

Lately the natives have reached into their bag of tricks to pull out one of their original forms of attack, sleep deprivation. It’s a very clever and dangerous move that if drawn out over long periods of time can bring even the strongest of caregivers to the brink of defeat. For those struggling to recognize the signs, I have found in my own personal observations, sleep deprivation comes on in stages similar to those of grief:

Stage 1: Denial

In this stage caregivers put on a facade to themselves and those around them that they can function as they had before despite the fact that their decreased cognitive function causes them to do things such as venture to the local apothecary wearing the lower half of their garments inside out while wondering through the whole appointment why said apothecary was looking at them so strangely.

Stage 2: Anger

In this stage, caregivers find themselves infuriated with the effects of the deprivation such as opening up a native supply bag to find that they packed three pairs of pants but no diapers.

Stage 3: Bargaining

In stage 3 the caregiver finds herself praying to whatever deity she chooses that she would do just about anything to take back not only walking around half the day with a pair of pink panties stuck to her jeans from static cling and not noticing it, but also telling the whole story to the teenage male cashier at Starbucks who clearly did not care that it happened to her, nor does he understand why it makes her cry to retell the tale. On the bright side he throws in a free scone which one can assume is to bait her to move on to tell the tragic tale of her other wardrobe malfunction to the barista.

Stage 4: Depression

In stage 4, similar to stage 3, we find the caregiver has begun to realize a new low has been hit, especially when she finds herself in the frozen food section of the local market to gather supplies singing the tune from Sesame Street aloud while rocking back and forth for all to see. She is especially saddened that it took three versus of “Sunny Day, Sweepin’ the Clouds Away” and many odd stares before she realized that she was in fact shopping alone since the natives were in the care of an assistant caregiver at that particular moment.

Stage 5: Acceptance

In stage 5, the caregiver finds herself in a place where she has realized that there is little to no hope left for her cognitive function until such time as she is allowed to return to normal sleeping patterns as the natives will allow. This is the stage where we tend to find caregivers zipping around the market singing the Batman theme song as her natives fight crime from the shopping cart.

So whether you’ve just begun to pour orange juice on your cereal in the morning or if you are going to the local markets with Mickey Mouse Stickers on your forehead, you are not alone. Just give the natives what they want, back away slowly and get some rest.

Rules to Surviving the Jungle

As any fellow explorer knows: the jungle can be a dangerous place. The native inhabitants are very puzzling and perilous little creatures. In one moment they are calm and sweet. The sounds of their laughter ring through the jungle canopy and, for but a moment, all is right with the world. However; this can turn on a dime as they change into snarling, stomping lethal creatures.

Take caution and study these rules if you want hope of surviving the jungle.

Rule Number One: Beware the Native’s Triggers

I’ve come to learn that the natives all have some similar triggers that can change their behavior from peaceful and serene to a snarling, attention demanding attack-animal in the next. These activities include: sitting down on the couch (even if they are in a different area of the jungle entirely; natives have a keen sense of hearing similar to that of dogs. They hear the barely audible couch cushion shift, sighs of relief, and most importantly, to the closing of the bathroom door even though you turn the handle to avoid the clicking noise as the door fastens..).  They even sense when you are about to be productive, in any form an immediate sensor sends them into what I refer to as “seek and destroy mode.”  In this mode they search for any area of the jungle that is clean and orderly and dismantle the surrounding area with as much speed and destruction as possible.

Rule Number Two: Change is BAD

Forget what you have been told all your life. The rules of warfare are something quite different indeed. A native likes a consistent routine; if you dare put feeding time before bath-time or heaven forbid give the eldest a blue cup because the red cup is in the dishwasher and water is water…. You’ll quickly learn this to be untrue! Water is only water if it’s in the red cup with one ice cube, not two ice cubs, one ice cube… Where was I..? Oh right, don’t change things up unless you want to trigger an attack.

Rule Number Three: Bribes are your friend

Most books will prescribe that bribery is a lackadaisical way out of a hairy situation. They suggest that with the right amount of patience and consistent disciplinary procedures positive reinforcement your natives will magically conform to desirable behavior. My theory that these are people who have not only never been a primary caregiver of natives, they have never actually met a native (at least not the highly evolved modern species). Allow me to express this again that bribes are your friends. Yes, of course: structure, discipline, and consistency have to be in place but don’t under estimate how quickly  and quietly the promise of a fruit leather or a showing of Mickey Mouse Club House upon returning home will get you in and out of a grocery store without pain.  Think of it not as bribing, but as teaching them valuable negotiating skills that will assist them later in life.

Natives are crafty little creatures. If you are currently immersed in the jungle or you are thinking about it, take heed of these rules. There are more but I dread I hear my own natives stirring. I fear the eldest has been plotting a coup for quite some time and it may be going into effect soon.

Stay safe friends.

Shopping with the Super-Natives

Excursions out of the jungle are made on a case by case basis. I try to get supplies gathered while the natives are in the care of the saintly visitors called “Grandma and Papa”. Several times throughout the week we make the journey as a tribe.

The elder native has a wonderful and lively imagination, and the younger native likes to imitate the behaviors of his respected sibling; thus excursions out of the jungle either go very well or very, shall we say, interesting?

This afternoon we reached the end of our supply of fresh fruits and vegetables, so we packed up and headed to the local market. On the way out the door I requested of the elder native, that he put something on to keep warm. It was a particularly chilly day outside of our indoor jungle. He greeted me at petroleum powered vehicle, wearing a full Batman disguise complete with cape and mask. I found this rather adorable. Knowing that no one in the supermarket would think I dressed him that way, off we went to gather supplies.

The whole way to the store he stayed in character making me address him as “Batman”, & I was to be addressed as “Batgirl,” the younger native would answer to “Robin”. When we first arrived at the market passersby seemed to find this display amusing and rather cute as I initially had, however, the downside to having an extremely imaginative native is their refusal to break character. So as we got deeper into the store he would point at random to a stranger and yell, “Look Batgirl, a bad man!”The younger native caught on to this, highly amused by our new game and ran around pointing at elderly women yelling, “Look, mean guy!”

At this point I really had three choices: try to ignore the game and avoid the cold stares of the “bad men” around the store, try to distract the natives in order to quiet them, (unfortunately, previous experience has taught me that once they are into a game there is little hope this tactic would produce the desired results)or, option three, I could dart quickly around the store humming the theme from Batman as the natives squeal with delight and play along.

I chose option three. I have discovered that you get through the checkout line faster by doing this as no one wants to be stuck in front of the crazy caretaker singing the batman song with the two natives simultaneously fighting crime from the shopping cart.

I am happy to report that we arrived safely back to our portion of the jungle and the city can sleep safe tonight as Batman and Robin have now identified and vaporized all the “bad guys”.

 

New Year's Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions… most people still go about the business of making these. For myself, I have several goals for the year; of course, surviving another year in the jungle is a given. Furthermore, I want to get more organized, continue with my anthropological exploration, as well as furthering my academic studies; This will require a trip to a more civilized village which I find myself fantasizing about often. 

The natives appear to have other resolutions for me, with diet at the top of the list. I had resolved to eating healthier and in better moderation this year, however the natives feel I should be on more of a “crash diet”. They work in synchronization to make sure that not a single morsel of food touches my lips. The eldest will plot a distraction, requesting additional libations, needing assistance in the other room, or if all else fails simply throwing vivacious temper-tantrums; a behavior he has mastered many times over. Meanwhile the younger native will seize this opportunity to consume whatever was on my plate before my attention has shifted back to eating. He has even been known to dump the remainder of my portions into the sink or waste receptacle in order to keep me from eating. While I appreciate their vigor in keeping me on track it would be nice to be allowed a meal every now and again.

The youngest has seemed to take the lead on the charge in this particular attack. If I attempt to eat at my desk with the gate closed he finds creative and effective methods to keep me from doing so. Everything from shooting foam cannon balls at me from their replica pirate ship, to simply jumping up and down pulling at the gate screaming, “HAVE SOME?!”. While I realize it is not best to give in to such behavior I challenge you to try to eat while this is going on.

I have yet to determine if this is their own resolution for me or if it is simply one of their series of planned attacks to gain total power of the jungle. Whatever the case I am sad to report I am quite hungry, but on the plus size I suppose my garments are fitting a little better.


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Potty Training... Day One

As is customary in every jungle, natives will come to reach an age where it becomes necessary for them to learn to relieve themselves in the nearest receptacle instead of their loin cloths. It is a process known in the western world as “potty training”.

For the elder native, potty training was a long, yet obtainable mission that all in all was not too treacherous. However, he had a desire to learn this new process. And even when stubbornness was encountered, a small prize or even a charting system to track progress was a welcomed and handy tool.

I suppose there was one small hiccup with the elder native. During his training it was summertime, so I thought it easiest to let him run sans lion cloth in the backyard of the jungle and allow him to “water the plants”.  For whatever reason he felt this process had to be performed without apparel of any kind. This was fine until I realized that every time he needed to relieve himself he would first strip off any and all clothing then run to the yard to “water the plants”. On the upside, we had our finest crop of tomatoes to date that year; however on the downside I feared I would have to send him to preschool with a potted plant and a thorough explanation as to why he had to get stark-naked and urinate on a bush in order to go potty.

(To be fair, the rulebook said they had to be potty-trained, it specified nothing about how, where, or what clothing needed to be on or off during such time so I figured we had a loop-hole)

Somehow I can see that getting the younger sibling on-board with this rite of passage will not be as easy. It’s going to be quite a long and messy winter here inside the jungle.

Happy New Year

Greetings friends,

 I trust that you’re reading this means you have accomplished the same goal as myself, surviving the holidays.

Observations from the last two weeks of holiday break were something quite different indeed. The morning of the 25^th started with two very anxious young natives who awoke with a vigor I had not quite been able to muster myself as of yet. One was very excited to emerge to our main dwelling area to see if any new surprises awaited him; the other was nervous thinking that based upon his actions that year that he would not receive such offering from the man up north due to the “naughty list”. To be honest at times through this year I thought it would take great bribes to get them off of that list. However the big man in red came through big time and, for but a moment, there was peace in the jungle.

Then comes the rest of your time off which consists of making your obligatory excursion out of the jungle. This involves different things for different tribes. For some they are joyous excursions, filled with laughter, good sustenance and great offerings. You converse with those you haven’t seen since last year sharing tales of your lives.

And for others it’s something of a dangerous expedition where in you spend your days dodging people whom you can’t help but think can’t possibly be biologically linked, and some whom you just thank the good Lord you only have to see but once a year.

Whatever the case may be we all do it for the same reason. There is one element that gets us all through these excursions, that four letter word… w.i.n.e.

So whatever kinds of excursions you have survived over these last two weeks, congratulations for your great accomplishment. And I’m glad you did so you can continue with us on the native’s journey through adolescence. If history is any indication, we are in for quite a year



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