Native Magic

It is customary in the jungle when a native turns three to accompany him to an expedition out of the jungle to a magical land of fantasy; a place where princesses walk among beloved mice, bears, and other creatures. It also performs a fascinating trick of emptying the wallet of all caretakers that enter its “magical kingdom”.

After a 6 hour, (surprisingly pleasant) car ride we had arrived. For good measure I invited the saintly visitors, (known as Grandma and Papa) to accompany us on our journey; an action which was instantly regretted upon arrival when the Grandma held a pair of black lace panties in the air and loudly inquired if these were to go with us to the hotel rooms or if they were simply car panties. I am beginning to see where the elder native gets his lust for embarrassing me in public places.

After doing the fastest sprint of my life from the check-in desk to the car, stuffing my “car panties” in my pocket and tipping the bellman whose face now matched his crimson shirt, we proceeded to caves that would be our dwellings for the next 5 days. In the cave where the natives and I would stay, were many wonderful surprises. For the birthday boy there were banners, balloons and presents with a signed card from the big Mouse himself. However the natives, though slightly amused by the offerings were more enthralled to examine the room service menu, the miniaturized toiletries and most importantly two phones. It took a grand total of 2 minutes being in the dwelling before a call came in from security that one of the natives had already used the phone to call 911; (no doubt his royal highness had decided I was taking too long to do something or other). And so our journey began…

Insufficient Arrangements

With the upcoming anniversary of the younger native’s birth I had a hypothesis that traveling with the natives to a magical land for the celebration would be a welcomed change and a glorious distraction from the dreadful behavior that had afflicted the jungle over the last several months. In the early stages of planning I held high hopes that removing the small creatures from their native land would provide a wonderful distraction and hoped it would bring a positive behavior modification. However if the preparation for our upcoming journey is any indication of how the excursion will go then I believe I should fear for my life.

The eldest of the natives has never believed me to be a fit caretaker. Any suggestion I put forth is usually met with a snarl or eye roll. Today is no different; he appears displeased in my packing skills as well as my voice, appearance and seemingly the fact that I exist.

The youngest is dealing with the pending change in environment with grand displays of disgruntlement. Apparently it is customary for natives to throw themselves onto the jungle floor and emit ear piercing screams over issues such as whether or not to put on ones shoes, or receiving a red cup instead of a blue cup.

Resting assuredly that I am doing just about everything wrong I will give up for the night and pray for adequate sleep to continue preparations tomorrow. To cope with the hostility I shall retreat to my hiding place as I gather emergency supplies to distract the natives on this weekend’s long journey.

If you do not hear from me in a few days please send a search party as I fear the eldest is plotting a coup.