Here Come the 3's

Dearest friends, a recent reign of terror in the jungle has kept me from logging current entries. I am cautiously stepping out of my hiding space to get word to you, though I fear the silence may be a trap while the natives wait at the boarders with another series of attacks. When I entered this expedition 4 ½ years ago I was warned of many things, sleepless nights, affected appearance, slim to no contact with the outside world… However there were also many misleading tidbits. For instance, all who enter these long term expeditions are warned of the stage the call the “terrible twos”. What they neglect to report is what comes next, the stage I lovingly refer to as, the “Utterly Terrifying Threes”.

From my observations, when a young native reaches this stage you have several options:

1.       Duck and Cover

2.       Bring in Extra Caretakers

3.       Cautiously, as so not to get bitten… present the young native with offerings daily, let him or her worship the moving picture box, send them outside and pray for the best.

I opted to try all three of these with little to no avail. You see the “Utterly Terrifying Threes” are not a stage to be taken lightly. This is a place in a young native’s life where they make it their mission to turn your world upside down from sun up to sun down to make you long for the days of sleep deprivation and spit up.

My youngest native was no different. In fact, he was substantially worse in behavior then his older sibling. Days would start just after dawn; an eerie feeling would creep over me as my once peaceful slumber was interrupted by a sound… footsteps, could it be that the monster is awake..? Sometimes I would be lucky enough to have a few minutes of peace before it began but other days I would wake up to the native preforming his “dive bomb” maneuver onto my sleeping body to alert me that his highness was up and ready to be catered to.

One of the native’s most entertaining games was to see to what degree he could cause me to have a heart attack. This often came in the form of slipping out of my grasp while in public and running as fast as he could towards the street where passersby and motor vehicles went speeding by. Once he even found his way past a series of intricate locks to escape the jungle entirely. I found him escaping through the front of the jungle and trying to make a break for it.

When the shock factor no longer provided entertainment he took to embarrassing me instead. As a caretaker of two young male natives I am used to a good deal of public displays that require my attention. However this young native found new delightful ways to pull me into his play. His favorite was to shout at innocent women in the grocery store. Something about a shopping cart turned him into a self-proclaimed super hero. And apparently captain groceries’ job was to point at women minding their own business to yell, “there’s a bad man, get him!!!” and then expect me to charge at said “man” who was only trying to collect her apples and pretend she wasn’t just insulted and had her gender questioned by a 3 year old.

With the summer months quickly approaching I am hopeful for some reprieve by sending the natives outdoors to their natural habitat. Sun and water seem to calm the miniature hulk and his older sibling. Just to be sure I have enlisted the help of another brave caretaker to assist with conducting some of the native’s activities.

I am cautiously optimistic to report I have survived another winter and spring within the indoor jungle. But we are not out of the woods yet, as the young native’s birthday approaches I feel a new era is on the horizon… it’s outcome has yet to be known.